“How did I end up here?” It’s a question I ask myself often. Until a year ago the idea of creating a community forging and enlivening the connection between the so-called living and the so-called dead was nowhere on my “to-do” list. The idea of developing clairvoyant consciousness as Rudolf Steiner would reference it, or mediumistic abilities was nowhere on my radar. I do not feel myself gifted in these ways and yet…I am being asked to do this.
Looking back over my life I begin to see a pattern. First is, my greatest “gift” is that of working hard, really, really hard to develop skills I wasn’t naturally born with. I did that with dancing and singing, becoming a successful Broadway performer. When AIDS clear cut nearly an entire generation of artists of every persuasion from the earth, I found myself, initiated by fire and trauma, into service to the dying. Me, someone who wouldn’t willingly enter a hospital, now at the bedside of hundreds of people who were dying.
At first, working as a paid companion for Hospice of the Valley in Phoenix, Arizona, I merely performed the routine tasks I was allowed by law to perform. However, over the years, I felt so strongly that there was more one could do for the dying, beyond the services doctors and nurses provide.
The idea of creating a sacred space for the dying no matter where they were began to evolve. The desire to commune with the dying, especially those deemed in an “unresponsive” state grew. What would that look like? How would that be? Those were questions I didn’t have an answer to at first. After many years and hard work, synchronicity connected me to my spiritual teacher who connected me to a perfect place for these questions to be answered. At Norfolk General Hospital’s palliative care unit, I was allowed to explore these ideas freely.
Miraculous things began to happen. As I made baby steps towards a new paradigm for communing with the dying, a group of inner planes teachers and guides constellated to aid me, to companion me as I companioned the dying. They taught me how to connect my energy with a willing patient, connect at a very deep level and have a kind of conversation, though the patient might be in a coma or at the very least unable to respond verbally. Looking back now, I see the beginnings of communicating at a different level, though I had no idea where that would eventually lead.
After I published my book and gave workshops for about a year, I felt the energy for my service as a death midwife growing very quiet. My team of inner teachers and guides stepped back and their distancing from me actually hurt. I grew to love our interaction. When I midwifed my oldest brother across the threshold of death in 2011, “The Team” as I called them, came back as strong as ever only to dissipate once more after my brother’s death.
And so it has been very quiet until December 27, 2014 when R re-connected with me from spirit. After the initial shock, after gaining information on approximately what his life was after we parted, what his death was, after I grieved to the very depths of my soul…I picked up, again, some of Rudolf Steiner’s writings on death, life between death and rebirth, reincarnation, destiny and karma.
Rudolf Steiner, founder of the Anthroposophical Society, is not that well known today but he was an incredible teacher and lecturer in the last part of the 19th and first part of the 20th centuries. His depth and breadth of knowledge on innumerable occult and arcane subjects is staggering. But reading him, translated from German and speaking in the voice of a century ago, is arduous. My spiritual teacher tasked his students with reading him often. Up to this point, I had little success understanding him. Now however, quite suddenly, this small portion of his work opened up for me. It not only opened up, it consumed me and still does. Not a proponent of mediumship, Steiner teaches his own method for speaking with the dead and the angelic hierarchies which he believes is safer for modern man to pursue.
Once I began reading Steiner in depth, information unexpectedly…downloaded…into me. That’s the best way I can describe it. It comes down like a bolt of lightning and lands in a very concentrated point…then opens up and there is a whole block of insight, knowledge and communication for me to contemplate. Part of that communication is being tasked with what I consider to be the last part of my life’s soul mission; to create a community whose purpose is to build a bridge between the so-called living and the so-called dead for the betterment of all. That is the first step. It unfolds from there.
As part of that mission, I find myself needing to learn how to communicate with the dead and the angelic hierarchies. I am now exploring the various methods for doing that. I’ll talk about those methods and my experiences with them in future blogs but I will say this – I am approaching this exploration with what I hope is enlightened openness, not naiveté, but an openness and trust that Steiner endorses; to live in the “supersensible” world and still make sensible decisions, to face anything new remaining receptive, banishing doubt and timidity and being open to the emergence of a new attitude or opinion. Okay…tall order.
Once more I find myself being asked to work very, very hard to develop skills I am not naturally gifted with, to step into the unknown regardless of my small personality’s fear and trust that I will be guided by something greater than myself….and I am willing. I am willing.